Monday, May 3, 2010

Where's my Head?

The last few days have been nothing short of a deep loathing of myself. I have not taken my wellbutrin in a couple days because I just seem to be feeling worse with it than before I started taking it again. It's so hard to get out of bed and do anything productive, or anyless something I'd enjoy or look forward to. I am truely just existing with no drive. In my head I have a drive, to be happy, get back to my original 'normal' weight (what I weighed before my ED started), which was 120lbs. That's 15lbs away! I feel like maybe I cant get back down to that again, but thinking like that solidifies that assumption. Im trying, but obviously not enough. It's that much harder when you aren't happy, you'd rather just dive into food and numb out. But that's how I got fat as a child, to numb out my horrible feelings about myself, which only fed into a cycle of weight gain, guilt of my weight, and eating to punish and feel numb, which only is temporary. I want to snap out of it, and no matter what I do, even forcing myself to do things I once liked, only gets me more angry.

I try to think what 'clicked' the first time when I lost those 55lbs. All I remember is my mom moving out, me starting a job that was viewed as a career, and going to school to get my massage license. I remember being busy. Always busy. Working full time and school full time leaves little room for eating and having time to think about food.

Tomorrow is my day off, and since I cleaned my apartment literally all day yesterday, I'll be going to the gym. I really miss the gym, and I dont view it as a weightloss tool, really more of a toning tool, and a big way to relieve stress. I get a free membership through my work, and I think thats why I dont take advantage of it as I should, because I dont pay and its just there. So I'll have to pretend its coming out of my paycheck...

I got this masterpiece on Friday, and it's fricken huge. (47" HD LCD 1080p 120Hz) My boyfriend and I have been planning to get one, and we finally went out once I got my credit card in the mail. Only $400 left to pay on it and then to buy something else! Since my boyfriend works for a cable company, we have every channel. All the movie channels, and half off on pay per view. Mmmhmmmm.


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