Friday, May 7, 2010

Sick of Being Fat

So last night we went out to eat. It was my idea. I have these ridiculous, welljustthisonelasttimeillstartnewthisdaybecauseofthisandthat (which I need to STOP doing). And that reason would be that today is payday, and I have money again, which will be buying my groceries. I wont discuss what I ate last night, but it was enough to make me shoot up 4 pounds, which I know arent real pounds but still enough to piss me right off.

Im so lost on what exactly to buy. I can buy all these veggies and fruit, and somehow I wont eat them. Ill get hungry and decide to buy something, like thai food for example (just veggies/rice, but its also so much food!) I need to find ways to be strict about what I eat. Although I think its more my tastebuds are set to want unnatural foods. I remember how I used to crave broccoli, or oatmeal (organic, plain slow cooked, added cinnamin) Its so hard when you are on the go, working, and its so easy to grab a meal, instead of take an hour in the morning to make your lunch/dinner. But theres the rub, I NEED to make the time, its more than weight loss its being healthy and taking care of myself. Theres also so much downtime at my job. I work in retail for a popular cell phone company and we can be at our desks up to 85% of the day. It's a-bull-shit.

So tonight I also want to try to hit up Borders and get myself some new reading materials. I've read quite a lot (pertaining ED's, recovery and not). Anyone that knows of some good ones, feel free to share. Ill leave this with a quote I saw the other day that made me think of a perfect way for others to grasp on what depression really means.

"Depression isn't not understanding that you have something to live for, it's knowing that you should feel differently but it's so bad that all you want to do is curl up and die."


xEllex said...

You are so right, and I do write for myself. I write when I have an urge to get things down for whatever reason, even if it's just boredom, or restlessness or excitement. But I have chronically low self esteem and I have always compared myself to others. I do the same on facebook. Sit there thinking woe is me, everyone else is active and loved and cared about, boo hoo. Well, it's probably because they're doing things and not sitting there watching the screen and feeling sorry for themselves. I am my own worst enemy. But yeah. I need to get over it and stop worrying about it. Thanks for your kind words though :)

I've never read any ED literature, apart from self help stuff so I'm no help there. Where's the quote from? For me, depression feels like, really wanting to feel differently, but not having the motivation to do anything about it, or go anywhere, or do anything, or talk to anyone, or get out of bed, or move. It can take me a looooong time each day just to motivate myself to do anything other than stop staring into space.


Anonymous said...

I added you in.

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