Thursday, April 29, 2010

First Post

Suffice to say I am in 'post-recovery'. I've been through the labyrinth of my eating disorder, taking often meddling turns, and making adverse decisions, ones that got me conditioned and addicted to what I continually did to myself. The only difference in this maze is now I am not in denial of my disorder.

I've been an overeater (first 18 yrs of life), orthorexic, anorexic, binge/purge [vomit] bulimic (last 5 years). In that order. Food and I are never in agreement. I've got anxiety to the point it gets me depressed, and OCD that I love and hate to have.

Psychologists, psychiatrists, IP at an ED Clinic. I cant say it didn't help, because it certainly did. I will never fully recover from my eating disorder, I will need to manage it by choosing to stay in recovery with the right treatment plan and support. Because its just that simple to fall back into it, as it would be for an alcoholic to take a drink. And when I say this, I mean, you are either hard wired to develop an eating disorder, or you are not. Genetics loads the gun, the environment pulls the trigger.

This blog is not my first. My last blog was very much doused in my recovery, and therefore pushed much of my real (often negative) feelings inward, as so I would appear happy and better to others, when I wasn't feeling so. Too many family members knew of it, and that put even more pressure to censor and assemble my words so as not to draw attention to me.

This blog? Well I'm going to be uncensored. I'm not categorizing it as being entrenched in my eating disorder, or being in my recovery. Because it's both. My existence as I know it, and my life as I am trying to make it.