Monday, May 10, 2010

Back in the Day

The other day I read a post by Elle, and it brought me back to the days of when I was completely entrenched in my ED, memories of being a fat kid, and then my recovery. This isn't a bad thing. Her post solidified I was not the only one thinking, "Some of these blogs aren't real." Not that they don't exist, but the authors are either those hoping that enough restricting, dieting, and I HATE this word, but "pro ana" talk will get them thin and happy as a clam. It's a disease. A serious mental illness that NO ONE should want to have, and if you just 'try' to get it, you never will. You're either hard wired to develop this sickness or you aren't.

Because when you do have an ED, you really, truly, 100% don't believe you do, and you don't want to think you do, because that means you are sick and need help. It's such a crazy feeling, to know you've lost a lot of weight, but not even see it. You see the numbers, the difference in your clothes. But you don't believe the weight is gone. You aren't satisfied. You aren't thin yet. WHY IS EVERYONE TELLING YOU YOU'RE TOO THIN AND YOU AREN'T? I must be going crazy. It feels like this, at least for me. Living in a body that was on the verge of obese, and then not, it's like phantom excess weight is there and won't get out of your head.

This revelation didn't come to me until I plateaued, at 119lbs. I consistently was going down, every time I weighed myself, and during that time it was effortless, due to my busy schedule and healthy dietary changes (By this time I can look back and see I was becoming if not already, a hard core othorexic.) Once I stopped loosing at that weight, went up a little, 120, 121, 120, 119, 122, etc but not going down, I went into panic. Mania would be a better word. I got anxious around food, afraid magically I would wake up in the morning with all the weight I had lost back on my body. I was told I was way too thin, but never believed it. I would smoke weed to relax, and I got so relaxed I would say fuck it and eat. I would eat a lot. It was an excuse to eat. After the high was over, panic set in and then began my use of laxatives. This continued, as well as restricting. I had just finished school, was working and it hit me that I was officially in adulthood. My life 24/7 revolved around what I was eating and how I looked. It came first.

I stopped smoking and just did hard core restricting. I was self employed as a massage therapist, not working too many hours. This was not so bad as I had won the lottery that fall ($5,000). My goal weight of 116lb came. I remember weighing myself, expecting a huge epiphany of "OMG awesome this is great, I'm now content in life and can be happy." The first thought after seeing my achieved weight goal, was "Alright but now I need to loose 5lbs more." And then a rush of anger came over me. Why aren't I happy? Why isn't this good enough?

The winter of 08' I rewarded myself with that weight goal accomplishment with a huge binge. A binge of nasty food I would have never touched. I ate so much to the point of extreme pain and knew laxatives would not relieve me fast enough. I knew I couldn't purge as I have tried it before, my emotions were so intense I tried anyways. And it worked. I was relieved, and then I started crying. I thought 'well now I have an excuse to binge, I don't want that!' I gained weight with B/P, which pissed me off. When I decided to move into my own apartment, thinking this would help, I weighed 124lbs. I isolated, ate, puked. Long story short I put myself in the Inpatient program for Eating Disorders, not because I knew I had a problem, but because I wanted to stop gaining weight. How sad is that? Part of me wanted to get better, but part of me just wanted to get my binging/purging gone so I could stay thin.

I had confessed my hell of a eating disordered life to my step mom, months before moving into my apartment, and started therapy then before my hospitalization. As of Last March of 09' I ended with therapy, a total of over a year with that.

This blog is as Elle has stated, to keep myself in check. Not to get sick, not to preach recovery, and not to turn into a fat glutton. I'm still scared of being fat, not in control. This blog is unlike my previous one, which was recovery,recovery,recovery, and it got to the point that I felt all 'recovered out'. It's not that I'm not in recovery because everyday I have to make the choice to not binge, purge, not use laxatives, and to eat. I feel without blogging/networking I may loose my mind at times. My last blog feels tainted with the mentality of not being able to slip up. I want to loose weight and I feel talk of weight loss on my old blog and with my followers/readers is not good for them in their recovery, and would be triggering. That blog itself became a trigger for me, and I needed a change.


Vi said...

Hiya, thanks for sharing your experiences. It's a very fine though isn't it? You post along with elles reminds us of that (I've never had an ED, I'm just an extreme secret dieter obsessed with not wanted to gain, and wanting to be thin) but this little community is really supportive and there are a good few genuinely lovely girls on here who will support you and look out for you.

Best wishes,
vi x

Vi said...

First sentence should read very fine ~line~

stupid iPhone!!!

S said...

I definately agree, and I am here to support others whether they are just trying to loose weight, or if they are totally sick with an ED trying to not feel so sick & alone. It is for sure a fine line. Every women in my mind has some sort of disordered eating, if not an eating disorder. I believe as women it's a tough expectation to be 'thin, perfect, and make it look effortless'. Because on the outside it looks easy, appealing and desirable to others. I believe these blogs show the truth of our inner worlds, whether its just our dieting, or a full blown eating disorder that we share. Either way its reality and our way to cope.

Thanks for your comment :)

Piglet said...

Thanks for following me. Following you right back!

xEllex said...

Hey lovely,

I kept forgetting to reply to your comment but it kept sticking with me. It's when you look back that you realise how sick you were. How far it had gone beyond the weight loss into something more sinister.

You sound similar to me, without presuming too much. Stuck in between anorexia and bulimia/binge eating. I was very much anorexic, though purging type as I did very occasionally purge and use laxatives, but in recovery went straight to bulimia and binge eating and that took over completely. I ended up turning back to restricting as a way to avoid binging and it worked completely. Here I am now. Back at the threshold of anorexia again. Still binge occasionally, but it's easier. No idea how to be normal. Over a year since I've had a normal days eating: breakfast lunch and dinner. Seems so alien.


I daydream about living by myself, but your mention of living in your own apartment makes me realise what a bad idea this would be. Even when I'm alone in the house I binge, usually without fail. This xmas holiday I spent alone in the house was spent permanently in bed in a state of depression, starving every day interspersed with binges and or binge/purges. It was my parents going away when my dissertation was due that led to me confessing to my bulimia/BED. I realised I literally couldn't survive a weekend alone in the house on my own, it had got that bad.

xEllex said...

I don't know why the 'xx's are in the middle...sorry!

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