Thoughts Ahead

So a liquid fast is not a good idea, at least right now. I realized going from eating what I was to just liquids wouldnt be smart because of the big jump in calories, and the fact I could easily want to binge or overeat. I didn't eat yesterday at all until 8:30pm, and had some celery, hard boiled egg, and an apple with some almond butter. I lost a pound more this morning from yesterday even after all my bathroom trips...so Im happy about that.

Today it's been coffee, 12pc sushi and an Honest Ade juice, which is considerably low in sugar versus any other juice drink. My biggest thing I need to stay away from is fruit juice. Even though I only drink 100% no sugar added, it's still way too much fruit sugar. I always add metamucil for more fiber, but then it's just too many added calories when I could just eat a piece of fruit with less calories/more fiber.

I'm planning to have some organic plain popcorn before work is over (6pm) and then when I get home the boyfriend and I are going for a jog, then I'll prob do an apple with almond butter again for dinner, maybe a hard boiled egg. Im so anxious to get this weight off, and I feel like I will really follow though because keeping track of myself on this blog. Also I can get out all my mental stress and thoughts I feel I can't talk to anyone with, granted anyone that can remotely understand what I'm living with (my ED).

I have a follow up with my doctor, and I've taken myself off wellbutrin, and so far Im only lightheaded and a bit nausous. I'm going to ask about going on topamax, since I've heard about the benefits with not having an appeitite, or at least food tastes like ass when you're taking it. Even though Im not a constant binger, or overeater, I'll have to say I feel this way. My weight has been consistant in the last year, but it's 15lbs heavier than I want to be, and then I hope to take another 10lbs off. My Stepmom's bacherlorette party June 5th (We're going to NYC overnight! Staying at a hotel in Time Square!) and then their wedding (Dad and her) June 19th, and I have a beautiful brides maids dress. Once I hit 120lbs if not less I'll post a pic in it :)

Where's my Head?

The last few days have been nothing short of a deep loathing of myself. I have not taken my wellbutrin in a couple days because I just seem to be feeling worse with it than before I started taking it again. It's so hard to get out of bed and do anything productive, or anyless something I'd enjoy or look forward to. I am truely just existing with no drive. In my head I have a drive, to be happy, get back to my original 'normal' weight (what I weighed before my ED started), which was 120lbs. That's 15lbs away! I feel like maybe I cant get back down to that again, but thinking like that solidifies that assumption. Im trying, but obviously not enough. It's that much harder when you aren't happy, you'd rather just dive into food and numb out. But that's how I got fat as a child, to numb out my horrible feelings about myself, which only fed into a cycle of weight gain, guilt of my weight, and eating to punish and feel numb, which only is temporary. I want to snap out of it, and no matter what I do, even forcing myself to do things I once liked, only gets me more angry.

I try to think what 'clicked' the first time when I lost those 55lbs. All I remember is my mom moving out, me starting a job that was viewed as a career, and going to school to get my massage license. I remember being busy. Always busy. Working full time and school full time leaves little room for eating and having time to think about food.

Tomorrow is my day off, and since I cleaned my apartment literally all day yesterday, I'll be going to the gym. I really miss the gym, and I dont view it as a weightloss tool, really more of a toning tool, and a big way to relieve stress. I get a free membership through my work, and I think thats why I dont take advantage of it as I should, because I dont pay and its just there. So I'll have to pretend its coming out of my paycheck...



I got this masterpiece on Friday, and it's fricken huge. (47" HD LCD 1080p 120Hz) My boyfriend and I have been planning to get one, and we finally went out once I got my credit card in the mail. Only $400 left to pay on it and then to buy something else! Since my boyfriend works for a cable company, we have every channel. All the movie channels, and half off on pay per view. Mmmhmmmm.