Groceries & A Cushion Under My Arse

Grocery Anxiety Induced shopping went well last night. Granted it takes me two hours since I go to Whole Foods and Hannaford, because all my shit isn't in one store. I bought all I needed/could bare/testify to survive so to not want to eat myself to death(aka enough but not a lot). The cushion factor would be that I actually have money left over! This includes after paying bills due before next paycheck, oil change, and a couple little things for myself. Feels so flippin nice. For the past few paychecks Ive been so broke after paying bills, that I'm left with almost no money to buy groceries. Being broke makes me crave junk, and having no money...well there's a real bad vicious cycle for you. Now I'm full time at work, commissions have changed, and I got $1 pay raise :) Things are getting better.






Those are the two nice things I got myself :) The face (night) cream is amazing, and the shampoo I don't know yet, but I already have the conditioner and its awesome. I also bought some locally made bath salts at Whole Foods and used them last night.

So on to something new; I found through Violet a new update tool, org made by Alice. Skinny Pact! It's a way to keep track of daily intake/exercise at a glance. Love it, so join in too :)

Then that brings me to my purchases aka meal lists. These are food ideas/choices for me pertaining to each meal. I'm not completely restricting myself to only the foods listed within meals, as I do eat anything natural (all fruits/veggies/nuts, lean beef/pork/chicken/venison/fish/seafood) Here it is:

Breakfast:
∙2 scrambled eggs w/optional veggies or
∙1/4c slow cooked organic steel cut oats w/cinnamon & 1 banana

Lunch:
∙8pc salmon avocado roll or
∙2 organic brown rice cakes, 1tbsp of either fruit preserves and/or honey almond butter for each cake
∙Either with optional 1 serv raw nuts, or 1 fruit, or serv veggies.

Dinner:
∙Amy's Meal (brown rice bowl, brown rice teriyaki bowl, or enchilada) w/steamed/cooked veggies
∙Steak/Chicken/Seafood or meat of choice, w/steamed/cooked veggies
∙Either with optional salad w/tbsp organic thousand island dressing

I will mix and match lunch/dinner depending on day/inventory. Substitutes equal to calorie or nutritional value may be used.

I feel like those last two lines should be in small fine print, as if it were a disclaimer, ha.

Sick of Being Fat

So last night we went out to eat. It was my idea. I have these ridiculous, welljustthisonelasttimeillstartnewthisdaybecauseofthisandthat (which I need to STOP doing). And that reason would be that today is payday, and I have money again, which will be buying my groceries. I wont discuss what I ate last night, but it was enough to make me shoot up 4 pounds, which I know arent real pounds but still enough to piss me right off.

Im so lost on what exactly to buy. I can buy all these veggies and fruit, and somehow I wont eat them. Ill get hungry and decide to buy something, like thai food for example (just veggies/rice, but its also so much food!) I need to find ways to be strict about what I eat. Although I think its more my tastebuds are set to want unnatural foods. I remember how I used to crave broccoli, or oatmeal (organic, plain slow cooked, added cinnamin) Its so hard when you are on the go, working, and its so easy to grab a meal, instead of take an hour in the morning to make your lunch/dinner. But theres the rub, I NEED to make the time, its more than weight loss its being healthy and taking care of myself. Theres also so much downtime at my job. I work in retail for a popular cell phone company and we can be at our desks up to 85% of the day. It's a-bull-shit.

So tonight I also want to try to hit up Borders and get myself some new reading materials. I've read quite a lot (pertaining ED's, recovery and not). Anyone that knows of some good ones, feel free to share. Ill leave this with a quote I saw the other day that made me think of a perfect way for others to grasp on what depression really means.

"Depression isn't not understanding that you have something to live for, it's knowing that you should feel differently but it's so bad that all you want to do is curl up and die."

Thoughts Ahead

So a liquid fast is not a good idea, at least right now. I realized going from eating what I was to just liquids wouldnt be smart because of the big jump in calories, and the fact I could easily want to binge or overeat. I didn't eat yesterday at all until 8:30pm, and had some celery, hard boiled egg, and an apple with some almond butter. I lost a pound more this morning from yesterday even after all my bathroom trips...so Im happy about that.

Today it's been coffee, 12pc sushi and an Honest Ade juice, which is considerably low in sugar versus any other juice drink. My biggest thing I need to stay away from is fruit juice. Even though I only drink 100% no sugar added, it's still way too much fruit sugar. I always add metamucil for more fiber, but then it's just too many added calories when I could just eat a piece of fruit with less calories/more fiber.

I'm planning to have some organic plain popcorn before work is over (6pm) and then when I get home the boyfriend and I are going for a jog, then I'll prob do an apple with almond butter again for dinner, maybe a hard boiled egg. Im so anxious to get this weight off, and I feel like I will really follow though because keeping track of myself on this blog. Also I can get out all my mental stress and thoughts I feel I can't talk to anyone with, granted anyone that can remotely understand what I'm living with (my ED).

I have a follow up with my doctor, and I've taken myself off wellbutrin, and so far Im only lightheaded and a bit nausous. I'm going to ask about going on topamax, since I've heard about the benefits with not having an appeitite, or at least food tastes like ass when you're taking it. Even though Im not a constant binger, or overeater, I'll have to say I feel this way. My weight has been consistant in the last year, but it's 15lbs heavier than I want to be, and then I hope to take another 10lbs off. My Stepmom's bacherlorette party June 5th (We're going to NYC overnight! Staying at a hotel in Time Square!) and then their wedding (Dad and her) June 19th, and I have a beautiful brides maids dress. Once I hit 120lbs if not less I'll post a pic in it :)

Stomach Blues

Okay, so hopefully I will make it through this post without having to scoot to the bathroom. Here's the story...

I've been (major) pissed at myself since, oh I dunno, last March 2009, after a couple months of dating my boyfriend. I gained this weight I have now. This whole comfort thing I suppose, with being with someone that loves you no matter what fucks with your head and food. I mentally feel I can get this weight off, and then the physical part of me just sits there, and won't listen. Well no more of this, it's too important to me. I guess my real fear is falling deeply back into my ED with loosing the weight I want and not being able to recognize that I'm even thin, I think that is the most frustrating thing ever!

So last night, or actually, starting most of the afternoon, I ate a lot. I probably for the day had just over 3000 calories. That in itself was a punishment, and a last hoo-rah to eat unconsciously. I came home, snuck the last 3 laxatives (box in which Ive had for over 6 months, I really don't abuse them [anymore]) Hence my need for the bathroom, which Ive gone 3 times since I got up, about an hour ago. I'll just say, holy cow...I think I was backed up to begin with.

I'm planning to do only liquids at least until Friday, payday. I need to re evaluate my eating plan so that I can get enough to keep my energy including going to the gym, and prevent cravings. Boredom is my big problem with mindless nibbling. Any suggestions for low cal foods, that you know work for you let me know :)

DISCLAIMER: I do not consume; dairy (casein, whey, lactose) gluten (wheat, spelt, barely, rye, etc) corn/high fructose/corn syrup, soy, trans fats (hydrogenated), artificial colors/flavors/sweeteners (msg, aspartame, sucralose, etc) hydrolyzed/oxidized ingredients, modified food starch, BHA/BHT/EDTA. And basically any processed foods.

DISCLAIMER 2: I kid you not. The above cut out of my diet was the precursor of my 55lbs weight loss. The difference now is I eat more of the same stuff than I used to, I'm STRESSED, and not nearly as active/busy. I may have body/eating issues, but I know my shit about nutrition. Whole and natural is where it's at!

My stomach's growling like an animal, but I'm scared to drink anything, because I already know what will go down, no pun intended...