I've decided to go back to my old blog. If you'd like the link please email me at sarahewinchell @ gmail .com
Thanks :)
PS; Im now prescribed to topamax!
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
Back in the Day
The other day I read a post by Elle, and it brought me back to the days of when I was completely entrenched in my ED, memories of being a fat kid, and then my recovery. This isn't a bad thing. Her post solidified I was not the only one thinking, "Some of these blogs aren't real." Not that they don't exist, but the authors are either those hoping that enough restricting, dieting, and I HATE this word, but "pro ana" talk will get them thin and happy as a clam. It's a disease. A serious mental illness that NO ONE should want to have, and if you just 'try' to get it, you never will. You're either hard wired to develop this sickness or you aren't.
Because when you do have an ED, you really, truly, 100% don't believe you do, and you don't want to think you do, because that means you are sick and need help. It's such a crazy feeling, to know you've lost a lot of weight, but not even see it. You see the numbers, the difference in your clothes. But you don't believe the weight is gone. You aren't satisfied. You aren't thin yet. WHY IS EVERYONE TELLING YOU YOU'RE TOO THIN AND YOU AREN'T? I must be going crazy. It feels like this, at least for me. Living in a body that was on the verge of obese, and then not, it's like phantom excess weight is there and won't get out of your head.
This revelation didn't come to me until I plateaued, at 119lbs. I consistently was going down, every time I weighed myself, and during that time it was effortless, due to my busy schedule and healthy dietary changes (By this time I can look back and see I was becoming if not already, a hard core othorexic.) Once I stopped loosing at that weight, went up a little, 120, 121, 120, 119, 122, etc but not going down, I went into panic. Mania would be a better word. I got anxious around food, afraid magically I would wake up in the morning with all the weight I had lost back on my body. I was told I was way too thin, but never believed it. I would smoke weed to relax, and I got so relaxed I would say fuck it and eat. I would eat a lot. It was an excuse to eat. After the high was over, panic set in and then began my use of laxatives. This continued, as well as restricting. I had just finished school, was working and it hit me that I was officially in adulthood. My life 24/7 revolved around what I was eating and how I looked. It came first.
I stopped smoking and just did hard core restricting. I was self employed as a massage therapist, not working too many hours. This was not so bad as I had won the lottery that fall ($5,000). My goal weight of 116lb came. I remember weighing myself, expecting a huge epiphany of "OMG awesome this is great, I'm now content in life and can be happy." The first thought after seeing my achieved weight goal, was "Alright but now I need to loose 5lbs more." And then a rush of anger came over me. Why aren't I happy? Why isn't this good enough?
The winter of 08' I rewarded myself with that weight goal accomplishment with a huge binge. A binge of nasty food I would have never touched. I ate so much to the point of extreme pain and knew laxatives would not relieve me fast enough. I knew I couldn't purge as I have tried it before, my emotions were so intense I tried anyways. And it worked. I was relieved, and then I started crying. I thought 'well now I have an excuse to binge, I don't want that!' I gained weight with B/P, which pissed me off. When I decided to move into my own apartment, thinking this would help, I weighed 124lbs. I isolated, ate, puked. Long story short I put myself in the Inpatient program for Eating Disorders, not because I knew I had a problem, but because I wanted to stop gaining weight. How sad is that? Part of me wanted to get better, but part of me just wanted to get my binging/purging gone so I could stay thin.
I had confessed my hell of a eating disordered life to my step mom, months before moving into my apartment, and started therapy then before my hospitalization. As of Last March of 09' I ended with therapy, a total of over a year with that.
This blog is as Elle has stated, to keep myself in check. Not to get sick, not to preach recovery, and not to turn into a fat glutton. I'm still scared of being fat, not in control. This blog is unlike my previous one, which was recovery,recovery,recovery, and it got to the point that I felt all 'recovered out'. It's not that I'm not in recovery because everyday I have to make the choice to not binge, purge, not use laxatives, and to eat. I feel without blogging/networking I may loose my mind at times. My last blog feels tainted with the mentality of not being able to slip up. I want to loose weight and I feel talk of weight loss on my old blog and with my followers/readers is not good for them in their recovery, and would be triggering. That blog itself became a trigger for me, and I needed a change.
Because when you do have an ED, you really, truly, 100% don't believe you do, and you don't want to think you do, because that means you are sick and need help. It's such a crazy feeling, to know you've lost a lot of weight, but not even see it. You see the numbers, the difference in your clothes. But you don't believe the weight is gone. You aren't satisfied. You aren't thin yet. WHY IS EVERYONE TELLING YOU YOU'RE TOO THIN AND YOU AREN'T? I must be going crazy. It feels like this, at least for me. Living in a body that was on the verge of obese, and then not, it's like phantom excess weight is there and won't get out of your head.
This revelation didn't come to me until I plateaued, at 119lbs. I consistently was going down, every time I weighed myself, and during that time it was effortless, due to my busy schedule and healthy dietary changes (By this time I can look back and see I was becoming if not already, a hard core othorexic.) Once I stopped loosing at that weight, went up a little, 120, 121, 120, 119, 122, etc but not going down, I went into panic. Mania would be a better word. I got anxious around food, afraid magically I would wake up in the morning with all the weight I had lost back on my body. I was told I was way too thin, but never believed it. I would smoke weed to relax, and I got so relaxed I would say fuck it and eat. I would eat a lot. It was an excuse to eat. After the high was over, panic set in and then began my use of laxatives. This continued, as well as restricting. I had just finished school, was working and it hit me that I was officially in adulthood. My life 24/7 revolved around what I was eating and how I looked. It came first.
I stopped smoking and just did hard core restricting. I was self employed as a massage therapist, not working too many hours. This was not so bad as I had won the lottery that fall ($5,000). My goal weight of 116lb came. I remember weighing myself, expecting a huge epiphany of "OMG awesome this is great, I'm now content in life and can be happy." The first thought after seeing my achieved weight goal, was "Alright but now I need to loose 5lbs more." And then a rush of anger came over me. Why aren't I happy? Why isn't this good enough?
The winter of 08' I rewarded myself with that weight goal accomplishment with a huge binge. A binge of nasty food I would have never touched. I ate so much to the point of extreme pain and knew laxatives would not relieve me fast enough. I knew I couldn't purge as I have tried it before, my emotions were so intense I tried anyways. And it worked. I was relieved, and then I started crying. I thought 'well now I have an excuse to binge, I don't want that!' I gained weight with B/P, which pissed me off. When I decided to move into my own apartment, thinking this would help, I weighed 124lbs. I isolated, ate, puked. Long story short I put myself in the Inpatient program for Eating Disorders, not because I knew I had a problem, but because I wanted to stop gaining weight. How sad is that? Part of me wanted to get better, but part of me just wanted to get my binging/purging gone so I could stay thin.
I had confessed my hell of a eating disordered life to my step mom, months before moving into my apartment, and started therapy then before my hospitalization. As of Last March of 09' I ended with therapy, a total of over a year with that.
This blog is as Elle has stated, to keep myself in check. Not to get sick, not to preach recovery, and not to turn into a fat glutton. I'm still scared of being fat, not in control. This blog is unlike my previous one, which was recovery,recovery,recovery, and it got to the point that I felt all 'recovered out'. It's not that I'm not in recovery because everyday I have to make the choice to not binge, purge, not use laxatives, and to eat. I feel without blogging/networking I may loose my mind at times. My last blog feels tainted with the mentality of not being able to slip up. I want to loose weight and I feel talk of weight loss on my old blog and with my followers/readers is not good for them in their recovery, and would be triggering. That blog itself became a trigger for me, and I needed a change.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Groceries & A Cushion Under My Arse
Those are the two nice things I got myself :) The face (night) cream is amazing, and the shampoo I don't know yet, but I already have the conditioner and its awesome. I also bought some locally made bath salts at Whole Foods and used them last night.
So on to something new; I found through Violet a new update tool, org made by Alice. Skinny Pact! It's a way to keep track of daily intake/exercise at a glance. Love it, so join in too :)
Then that brings me to my purchases aka meal lists. These are food ideas/choices for me pertaining to each meal. I'm not completely restricting myself to only the foods listed within meals, as I do eat anything natural (all fruits/veggies/nuts, lean beef/pork/chicken/venison/fish/seafood) Here it is:
Breakfast:
∙2 scrambled eggs w/optional veggies or
∙1/4c slow cooked organic steel cut oats w/cinnamon & 1 banana
Lunch:
∙8pc salmon avocado roll or
∙2 organic brown rice cakes, 1tbsp of either fruit preserves and/or honey almond butter for each cake
∙Either with optional 1 serv raw nuts, or 1 fruit, or serv veggies.
Dinner:
∙Amy's Meal (brown rice bowl, brown rice teriyaki bowl, or enchilada) w/steamed/cooked veggies
∙Steak/Chicken/Seafood or meat of choice, w/steamed/cooked veggies
∙Either with optional salad w/tbsp organic thousand island dressing
I will mix and match lunch/dinner depending on day/inventory. Substitutes equal to calorie or nutritional value may be used.
I feel like those last two lines should be in small fine print, as if it were a disclaimer, ha.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Sick of Being Fat
So last night we went out to eat. It was my idea. I have these ridiculous, welljustthisonelasttimeillstartnewthisdaybecauseofthisandthat (which I need to STOP doing). And that reason would be that today is payday, and I have money again, which will be buying my groceries. I wont discuss what I ate last night, but it was enough to make me shoot up 4 pounds, which I know arent real pounds but still enough to piss me right off.
Im so lost on what exactly to buy. I can buy all these veggies and fruit, and somehow I wont eat them. Ill get hungry and decide to buy something, like thai food for example (just veggies/rice, but its also so much food!) I need to find ways to be strict about what I eat. Although I think its more my tastebuds are set to want unnatural foods. I remember how I used to crave broccoli, or oatmeal (organic, plain slow cooked, added cinnamin) Its so hard when you are on the go, working, and its so easy to grab a meal, instead of take an hour in the morning to make your lunch/dinner. But theres the rub, I NEED to make the time, its more than weight loss its being healthy and taking care of myself. Theres also so much downtime at my job. I work in retail for a popular cell phone company and we can be at our desks up to 85% of the day. It's a-bull-shit.
So tonight I also want to try to hit up Borders and get myself some new reading materials. I've read quite a lot (pertaining ED's, recovery and not). Anyone that knows of some good ones, feel free to share. Ill leave this with a quote I saw the other day that made me think of a perfect way for others to grasp on what depression really means.
"Depression isn't not understanding that you have something to live for, it's knowing that you should feel differently but it's so bad that all you want to do is curl up and die."
Im so lost on what exactly to buy. I can buy all these veggies and fruit, and somehow I wont eat them. Ill get hungry and decide to buy something, like thai food for example (just veggies/rice, but its also so much food!) I need to find ways to be strict about what I eat. Although I think its more my tastebuds are set to want unnatural foods. I remember how I used to crave broccoli, or oatmeal (organic, plain slow cooked, added cinnamin) Its so hard when you are on the go, working, and its so easy to grab a meal, instead of take an hour in the morning to make your lunch/dinner. But theres the rub, I NEED to make the time, its more than weight loss its being healthy and taking care of myself. Theres also so much downtime at my job. I work in retail for a popular cell phone company and we can be at our desks up to 85% of the day. It's a-bull-shit.
So tonight I also want to try to hit up Borders and get myself some new reading materials. I've read quite a lot (pertaining ED's, recovery and not). Anyone that knows of some good ones, feel free to share. Ill leave this with a quote I saw the other day that made me think of a perfect way for others to grasp on what depression really means.
"Depression isn't not understanding that you have something to live for, it's knowing that you should feel differently but it's so bad that all you want to do is curl up and die."
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Thoughts Ahead
So a liquid fast is not a good idea, at least right now. I realized going from eating what I was to just liquids wouldnt be smart because of the big jump in calories, and the fact I could easily want to binge or overeat. I didn't eat yesterday at all until 8:30pm, and had some celery, hard boiled egg, and an apple with some almond butter. I lost a pound more this morning from yesterday even after all my bathroom trips...so Im happy about that.
Today it's been coffee, 12pc sushi and an Honest Ade juice, which is considerably low in sugar versus any other juice drink. My biggest thing I need to stay away from is fruit juice. Even though I only drink 100% no sugar added, it's still way too much fruit sugar. I always add metamucil for more fiber, but then it's just too many added calories when I could just eat a piece of fruit with less calories/more fiber.
I'm planning to have some organic plain popcorn before work is over (6pm) and then when I get home the boyfriend and I are going for a jog, then I'll prob do an apple with almond butter again for dinner, maybe a hard boiled egg. Im so anxious to get this weight off, and I feel like I will really follow though because keeping track of myself on this blog. Also I can get out all my mental stress and thoughts I feel I can't talk to anyone with, granted anyone that can remotely understand what I'm living with (my ED).
I have a follow up with my doctor, and I've taken myself off wellbutrin, and so far Im only lightheaded and a bit nausous. I'm going to ask about going on topamax, since I've heard about the benefits with not having an appeitite, or at least food tastes like ass when you're taking it. Even though Im not a constant binger, or overeater, I'll have to say I feel this way. My weight has been consistant in the last year, but it's 15lbs heavier than I want to be, and then I hope to take another 10lbs off. My Stepmom's bacherlorette party June 5th (We're going to NYC overnight! Staying at a hotel in Time Square!) and then their wedding (Dad and her) June 19th, and I have a beautiful brides maids dress. Once I hit 120lbs if not less I'll post a pic in it :)
Today it's been coffee, 12pc sushi and an Honest Ade juice, which is considerably low in sugar versus any other juice drink. My biggest thing I need to stay away from is fruit juice. Even though I only drink 100% no sugar added, it's still way too much fruit sugar. I always add metamucil for more fiber, but then it's just too many added calories when I could just eat a piece of fruit with less calories/more fiber.
I'm planning to have some organic plain popcorn before work is over (6pm) and then when I get home the boyfriend and I are going for a jog, then I'll prob do an apple with almond butter again for dinner, maybe a hard boiled egg. Im so anxious to get this weight off, and I feel like I will really follow though because keeping track of myself on this blog. Also I can get out all my mental stress and thoughts I feel I can't talk to anyone with, granted anyone that can remotely understand what I'm living with (my ED).
I have a follow up with my doctor, and I've taken myself off wellbutrin, and so far Im only lightheaded and a bit nausous. I'm going to ask about going on topamax, since I've heard about the benefits with not having an appeitite, or at least food tastes like ass when you're taking it. Even though Im not a constant binger, or overeater, I'll have to say I feel this way. My weight has been consistant in the last year, but it's 15lbs heavier than I want to be, and then I hope to take another 10lbs off. My Stepmom's bacherlorette party June 5th (We're going to NYC overnight! Staying at a hotel in Time Square!) and then their wedding (Dad and her) June 19th, and I have a beautiful brides maids dress. Once I hit 120lbs if not less I'll post a pic in it :)
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Stomach Blues
Okay, so hopefully I will make it through this post without having to scoot to the bathroom. Here's the story...
I've been (major) pissed at myself since, oh I dunno, last March 2009, after a couple months of dating my boyfriend. I gained this weight I have now. This whole comfort thing I suppose, with being with someone that loves you no matter what fucks with your head and food. I mentally feel I can get this weight off, and then the physical part of me just sits there, and won't listen. Well no more of this, it's too important to me. I guess my real fear is falling deeply back into my ED with loosing the weight I want and not being able to recognize that I'm even thin, I think that is the most frustrating thing ever!
So last night, or actually, starting most of the afternoon, I ate a lot. I probably for the day had just over 3000 calories. That in itself was a punishment, and a last hoo-rah to eat unconsciously. I came home, snuck the last 3 laxatives (box in which Ive had for over 6 months, I really don't abuse them [anymore]) Hence my need for the bathroom, which Ive gone 3 times since I got up, about an hour ago. I'll just say, holy cow...I think I was backed up to begin with.
I'm planning to do only liquids at least until Friday, payday. I need to re evaluate my eating plan so that I can get enough to keep my energy including going to the gym, and prevent cravings. Boredom is my big problem with mindless nibbling. Any suggestions for low cal foods, that you know work for you let me know :)
DISCLAIMER: I do not consume; dairy (casein, whey, lactose) gluten (wheat, spelt, barely, rye, etc) corn/high fructose/corn syrup, soy, trans fats (hydrogenated), artificial colors/flavors/sweeteners (msg, aspartame, sucralose, etc) hydrolyzed/oxidized ingredients, modified food starch, BHA/BHT/EDTA. And basically any processed foods.
DISCLAIMER 2: I kid you not. The above cut out of my diet was the precursor of my 55lbs weight loss. The difference now is I eat more of the same stuff than I used to, I'm STRESSED, and not nearly as active/busy. I may have body/eating issues, but I know my shit about nutrition. Whole and natural is where it's at!
My stomach's growling like an animal, but I'm scared to drink anything, because I already know what will go down, no pun intended...
I've been (major) pissed at myself since, oh I dunno, last March 2009, after a couple months of dating my boyfriend. I gained this weight I have now. This whole comfort thing I suppose, with being with someone that loves you no matter what fucks with your head and food. I mentally feel I can get this weight off, and then the physical part of me just sits there, and won't listen. Well no more of this, it's too important to me. I guess my real fear is falling deeply back into my ED with loosing the weight I want and not being able to recognize that I'm even thin, I think that is the most frustrating thing ever!
So last night, or actually, starting most of the afternoon, I ate a lot. I probably for the day had just over 3000 calories. That in itself was a punishment, and a last hoo-rah to eat unconsciously. I came home, snuck the last 3 laxatives (box in which Ive had for over 6 months, I really don't abuse them [anymore]) Hence my need for the bathroom, which Ive gone 3 times since I got up, about an hour ago. I'll just say, holy cow...I think I was backed up to begin with.
I'm planning to do only liquids at least until Friday, payday. I need to re evaluate my eating plan so that I can get enough to keep my energy including going to the gym, and prevent cravings. Boredom is my big problem with mindless nibbling. Any suggestions for low cal foods, that you know work for you let me know :)
DISCLAIMER: I do not consume; dairy (casein, whey, lactose) gluten (wheat, spelt, barely, rye, etc) corn/high fructose/corn syrup, soy, trans fats (hydrogenated), artificial colors/flavors/sweeteners (msg, aspartame, sucralose, etc) hydrolyzed/oxidized ingredients, modified food starch, BHA/BHT/EDTA. And basically any processed foods.
DISCLAIMER 2: I kid you not. The above cut out of my diet was the precursor of my 55lbs weight loss. The difference now is I eat more of the same stuff than I used to, I'm STRESSED, and not nearly as active/busy. I may have body/eating issues, but I know my shit about nutrition. Whole and natural is where it's at!
My stomach's growling like an animal, but I'm scared to drink anything, because I already know what will go down, no pun intended...
Monday, May 3, 2010
Where's my Head?
The last few days have been nothing short of a deep loathing of myself. I have not taken my wellbutrin in a couple days because I just seem to be feeling worse with it than before I started taking it again. It's so hard to get out of bed and do anything productive, or anyless something I'd enjoy or look forward to. I am truely just existing with no drive. In my head I have a drive, to be happy, get back to my original 'normal' weight (what I weighed before my ED started), which was 120lbs. That's 15lbs away! I feel like maybe I cant get back down to that again, but thinking like that solidifies that assumption. Im trying, but obviously not enough. It's that much harder when you aren't happy, you'd rather just dive into food and numb out. But that's how I got fat as a child, to numb out my horrible feelings about myself, which only fed into a cycle of weight gain, guilt of my weight, and eating to punish and feel numb, which only is temporary. I want to snap out of it, and no matter what I do, even forcing myself to do things I once liked, only gets me more angry.
I try to think what 'clicked' the first time when I lost those 55lbs. All I remember is my mom moving out, me starting a job that was viewed as a career, and going to school to get my massage license. I remember being busy. Always busy. Working full time and school full time leaves little room for eating and having time to think about food.
Tomorrow is my day off, and since I cleaned my apartment literally all day yesterday, I'll be going to the gym. I really miss the gym, and I dont view it as a weightloss tool, really more of a toning tool, and a big way to relieve stress. I get a free membership through my work, and I think thats why I dont take advantage of it as I should, because I dont pay and its just there. So I'll have to pretend its coming out of my paycheck...
I got this masterpiece on Friday, and it's fricken huge. (47" HD LCD 1080p 120Hz) My boyfriend and I have been planning to get one, and we finally went out once I got my credit card in the mail. Only $400 left to pay on it and then to buy something else! Since my boyfriend works for a cable company, we have every channel. All the movie channels, and half off on pay per view. Mmmhmmmm.
I try to think what 'clicked' the first time when I lost those 55lbs. All I remember is my mom moving out, me starting a job that was viewed as a career, and going to school to get my massage license. I remember being busy. Always busy. Working full time and school full time leaves little room for eating and having time to think about food.
Tomorrow is my day off, and since I cleaned my apartment literally all day yesterday, I'll be going to the gym. I really miss the gym, and I dont view it as a weightloss tool, really more of a toning tool, and a big way to relieve stress. I get a free membership through my work, and I think thats why I dont take advantage of it as I should, because I dont pay and its just there. So I'll have to pretend its coming out of my paycheck...
I got this masterpiece on Friday, and it's fricken huge. (47" HD LCD 1080p 120Hz) My boyfriend and I have been planning to get one, and we finally went out once I got my credit card in the mail. Only $400 left to pay on it and then to buy something else! Since my boyfriend works for a cable company, we have every channel. All the movie channels, and half off on pay per view. Mmmhmmmm.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
First Post
Suffice to say I am in 'post-recovery'. I've been through the labyrinth of my eating disorder, taking often meddling turns, and making adverse decisions, ones that got me conditioned and addicted to what I continually did to myself. The only difference in this maze is now I am not in denial of my disorder.
I've been an overeater (first 18 yrs of life), orthorexic, anorexic, binge/purge [vomit] bulimic (last 5 years). In that order. Food and I are never in agreement. I've got anxiety to the point it gets me depressed, and OCD that I love and hate to have.
Psychologists, psychiatrists, IP at an ED Clinic. I cant say it didn't help, because it certainly did. I will never fully recover from my eating disorder, I will need to manage it by choosing to stay in recovery with the right treatment plan and support. Because its just that simple to fall back into it, as it would be for an alcoholic to take a drink. And when I say this, I mean, you are either hard wired to develop an eating disorder, or you are not. Genetics loads the gun, the environment pulls the trigger.
This blog is not my first. My last blog was very much doused in my recovery, and therefore pushed much of my real (often negative) feelings inward, as so I would appear happy and better to others, when I wasn't feeling so. Too many family members knew of it, and that put even more pressure to censor and assemble my words so as not to draw attention to me.
This blog? Well I'm going to be uncensored. I'm not categorizing it as being entrenched in my eating disorder, or being in my recovery. Because it's both. My existence as I know it, and my life as I am trying to make it.
